Fuckboys: a Global Phenomenon that have Even Invaded ICU, Japan

Oh, haven’t we all seen and dealt with at least one fuckboy in our lives. Be it as a friend or a romantic interest, one has to admit that they are really not the best person to spend time with.

I mean, to start off:

  • You will never be their priority.

Unless you are popular, hot, or insanely rich, chances are you are a person they don’t deem worthy of “hanging out”. Most of these guys in Japan tend to have some kind of “gaijin” or foreign atmosphere about them; be it their passport or their mindset.

  • LINE is their main method of communication.

They will casual ask for your contact info, and most often end up adding 3/4 of the girls in the class on the first day of school. Because they just simply want something short and sweet. They want to “stay chill”, whatever that means.

  • International Christian University(ICU) is full of them.

I kid you not. Beware!!!!!

September, April students alike, it doesn’t matter. Because of the skewed gender ratio in ICU, most of the guys end up beginning to lose the value of companionship and long-term relationship because of the oversaturated pool of partners.

When I first came here, I asked many of my dorm senpais(girls) about dating in ICU as a joke.

Me: “So. The guys here, huh.”

Senpai: “Yeah. The guys here. What’s up?”

M: “Some of them are pretty cute. Do a lot of the girls in our dorm end up dating them?”

S: “Well, yeah. Of course. It doesn’t last long though.”

M: “What do you mean?”

S:”I mean, come on. A lot of them end up just cheating on them or find a better girl than their current girlfriend. I’m not trying to say that all guys here are assholes–”

M: “I’m sure they’re not

S: “–but a lot of them end up acting like one. And its really out of control here. Some of them start off by wanting to be popular in college so they act like they’re hot shit. And that’s alright. At least they have a goal.”

M: “Huh.”

S: “The worst ones are the guys who never really had a goal to be a fuckboy in mind. But they’ve surrounded themselves with fuckboys and just end up not being aware of how many girls they’re hurting.”

M: “A true natural.”

S: “One girl from our dorm, you know her, yeah. She ended up being cheated on by one of them. He was popular, hot, and pretty smart: the full package. Ended up being dumped after he told her that she was just a ‘friend’. Like what kind of friend sleeps with each other?”

M: “That sounds tough. Did that really happen?”

S: “Yeah. And he did it to his next girlfriend too. At any other college, this would mean social suicide for this guy. But because he’s such a charismatic guy at a small dating pool, he can find one girl to spend the night with easily. One right after another.”

M: “A serious cheater.”

S: “Who would’ve guessed, right? At a Christian university, no less.”

M: “Arigato, senpai. I’ll try looking elsewhere and will make sure to keep my eyes open.”

S: “No problem. Make sure you tell me about the guys in your class next time.”

This sounds horrible, I know. But if you are going to ICU soon and are hoping to find a cute partner, beware the guys. There is a higher tendency to act like a fuckboy for ICU guys, so keep your eyes open and don’t let that crush filter ruin your week.

When You aren’t Your Number One Fan

  • You feel like shit.
  • You scrutinize every single square centimeter of your body in the dressing room, wishing you could change entirely to another person.
  • Your failed romances are always riddled by the thought of: “if I was hotter” or “if I was ….”
  • You compare yourself constantly to others of the same gender and always end up thinking that you will never be able to achieve their level of perfection.

 

While I was growing up, I would have mini-mental breakdowns in the dressing room and wished I could be someone else.

The first time I felt “fat” was when I was in preschool. I was already so self-conscious.

Thinking about it now, this scares me. I am scared about the future of young girls and wouldn’t wish these thoughts on anyone. Should I have a daughter, I hope to make it a priority to tell her that she is beautiful. And that anyone who says otherwise should be ignored.

But in a culture where self-improvement is always encouraged, when does it start getting toxic?

For me, it started off toxic and I found myself wanting to be my “best self I can ever be” once I developed self-love. Having Japanese parents, I was constantly bombarded with: “why is she so tan?” and beauty care routines that were unasked for from relatives.

These comments got worse as I grew older. Once I hit first grade, I started to get a little chubby.  My cheeks were round, my tummy was protruded, my arms were flabby: I had very little places to see beauty on the outside. Every time I compared myself to my friends, I would feel love towards their kind hearts with a tinge of jealousy mixed in. As I went into middle school, I started to connect all of my problems to my appearance.

Every time I went clothing shopping with my mom, I felt a sense of dread as she picked out clothes from the older age ranges. It wasn’t that I was super tall. I was just growing more horizontally than I should be according to the age ranges at GAP and ZARA. My dad told me to start running, but I felt so self-conscious in my workout gear that I always refused to follow his advice.

My aunts often compared themselves in front of me, lamenting about their waist sizes and double-eyelids. I grew up learning that developing a critical analysis of yourself was the universal conversation starter for all females.

As I went into middle school, I started to connect all of my problems to my appearance.

My presentation grade would have been better if I had skinnier thighs like Sara. She wouldn’t have been so self-conscious. 

I would scoff at my thoughts now, but its toxicity still rings true to so many of the female population. It was only after I started to get into Instagram, that I realized most girls feel self-conscious. No one (including guys) is perfectly confident. The difference between those girls and me was that I had let myself get so caught up in appearance and acceptance by the opposite gender. 

First of all, I have to admit that I still have moments like this. When I just want to cry in the dressing room at a clothing store because I just hate my body. But after awhile, I always pick up my pieces of self-worth and tie them back together with the ropes of phrases like “I look amazing now, and I will keep on getting more beautiful” and “Not all shapes and colors will fit everyone, you just have to keep on finding the perfect fit for you”.

Not all shapes and colors will fit everyone, you just have to keep on finding the perfect fit for you”.

Not only does the above phrase describe how shopping works in general, but it also goes for dating. Most of the time, I fall in love too fast and think too far ahead about the potential relationship. I give too much and often find myself in shambles after the guy loses interest.

This may sound sappy and corny but in this world of commodified beauty that is mass-produced every second, it is essential for females to understand that: you will always find the guy who is perfect for you, just like you will be perfect for that one lucky guy. Forget who and what is your “type”, and focus more on the inside of yourself. Nothing is perfect and that you will always be the person most interested in you. Even your prince charming will be more caught up on his life and his looks than how you look in a bikini or your deteriorating mental health.

You were born with a fan who was willing to stick it through with you for life, and you might as well use it to cheer you on.

Just a few minutes ago, I figured out that my crush’s type was none of what I could achieve. White skin, willowy arms and legs, an ennui atmosphere: I can’t see myself in any of that description. He constantly likes and compliments girls who are the typical Asian beauties, but I have never been able to squeeze myself into that narrow ideal. I have beaten myself up mentally and physically far too long to even start crying now, so I have decided to take up the path of self-love instead.

I want to be perfect for me, and no guy’s comment about my thunder thighs or unladylike walk will deter me from my path of a healthy lifestyle that includes the occasional Mcdonalds and bikini pics in which I don’t have washboard abs(never even had them!). If he isn’t interested in me, then all I can do is to move on and to keep on improving myself. You may as well use that rejection as a motivation for a healthier lifestyle in a mental and physical sense, and perhaps the greatest revenge towards someone who just wasn’t right for you would be to not give a f*ck about it.

#5 The Date with the U.S. Navy guy

It never happened.

I was busy that day (leaving Japan in a few days), and I even told him in advance that I may cancel. He didn’t reply after my cancel text on LINE, and well that’s that.

He was so cute though.

In all honesty, he was really casual and seemed to be alright. He liked working out, watching the same FilthyFrank videos as me, and didn’t mind it when I couldn’t message right away.

Right away, he told me that he doesn’t like “playing games” and that he reads philosophy books in his free time. I dig that confidence.

There were some parts that made me rethink about him:

  • He sends way too many selfies. 

I don’t mind how nice he looks. It’s just that I don’t know how to respond to it. “Wow, you look nice.” “cool background, yo.”

And then he asks me to send a selfie and I have to answer back that I’ll send one after I take a shower later in the day.

  • He laughed when I told him that English was my first language.

“Really?”, he told me, amazed that an Asian girl who has never lived in the U.S. can speak fluent English. “Are you sure it’s your first language? I mean, you’re Japanese! That doesn’t make any sense!”. Yeah, damn right is makes sense. Look at how I just did the impossible.

But other than that, he was nice. Looking back at it, the second part was pretty bad but I was desperate at that point. Tinder in Tokyo wasn’t going well for me, and I was in an emotionally bad place because of the move. I was emotionally vulnerable and felt empty.

He filled that hole in my head for a few days before he started to pressure me into a date, and I had to turn him down.

Since coming back to Singapore, I have deleted him on LINE and don’t regret it. I don’t want to waste his time, and I know that what he’s looking for (a hook-up and maybe even a potential partner) isn’t my thing. I wish Jordan the best of luck in the navy, and will now be on my way.

The Transition from Tinder to Coffee Meets Bagel

ALERT:

nothing ever happened!11!!

After several Tinder dates, I decided that enough was enough and downloaded another dating app that I’ve heard lots of great things about Coffee Meets Bagel.

I ended up trying to be “friends” with a guy 10 years older than me, and we talked for a week before he stoppped responding. Apparently, he already met someone through this app and so he wasn’t interested in talking to me.

I appreciate his honesty but what I don’t understand is

why is he on Coffee Meets Bagel if he is already in a relationship?

 

Honestly, it boggles my mind.

Faithful my ass but at least he stopped talking to me after a while. I was feeling guilty the entire time.

 

Talking to a Ghoster

I was ghosted by my tinder guy #2, club promoter, for a second date. Or at least, that’s what I thought. It was a hard blow for me, and even made me decide to not ghost the obnoxious memer and confront him instead before blocking him.

But today, after a few drinks, I ended up going with a friend’s advice to follow a “two-message” rule. If after messaging two times at different times and the guy hasn’t answered back, it’s a good indicator that he is just not that into you. So I did. And after my  super-casual-chill message of “u ok?” he replied back with a “haha yeah”.

Which means bullshit. Well, that’s what came up into my mind when I didn’t know how to answer his message. I just answered “well, thats great to hear” because at this point, I just want answers. He seemed enthusiastic enough, he posted an Instagram clubbing photo, and even replied back to my message: signs of a non-ghoster and more of just a guy who is an unresponsive asshole. At this point, I have no expectations. I would be somewhat happy if he replied back to my message but even if he didn’t, hey at least tried.

I guess this is how people slowly learn the unspoken rules of dating, and I have finally learned to not beat a dying chat anymore to kick-start the spark once more. It’s not coming back, and I just have to accept its death.

Plenty of fish out in the sea, and now I’m going to work on my techniques in swimming before even thinking about developing my fishing skills.

 

Edit: He has now texted back. WTF, apparently he is in Taiwan for a party. This makes no sense at all, and I have no idea how to feel about this. Oh well, at least it’s fun.

Tinder date #4: The Obnoxious Memer

Stats:

  • Has lived in Japan for a long time.
  • Working as a technician
  • one year older than me
  • Likes memes a lot
  • from the U.S.
  • Apparently, he has no friends, or that’s what he tells me.
  • Has a dog.
  • Gave me his address, phone number, line account, snapchat account, and a lot of unwanted details about his family.

 

I never knew his face until we added each other on Snapchat. And wow. I didn’t know what to expect, but his face was not one of them. He seemed ok enough.

This is probably my Tinder story that made me delete the app. 

He was adamant about scheduling a meetup, and even after messaging each other via iMessage, he kept on talking about how he likes “cuddling, snuggling, and sending memes”. Most of his messages were multiple screenshots of memes, and it was funny at the start but soon after, I got bored. I liked memes as an ice breaker, but not to the point that I wanted every single conversation to be about memes. Not to mention, he got personal way too fast and sent multiple messages after I didn’t reply for five minutes.

He would tell me that he gets attached too fast and that he was a virgin. I didn’t want to know any of these things and was extremely uncomfortable.

But I kept on messaging back because he seemed sweet. I didn’t know about his face, but personality-wise I thought we could be friends.

So the day came, and we walked around Yoyogi park, had ramen, went to a cat cafe, and parted ways.

It was a date, but probably the kind of date I never want to experience again. 

 

Red flag #1: He talked about how annoying his dog is. 

His family has two dogs, one here and the other back in the states, and I am a strong dog person. Talking about how annoying your dog is while not saying anything about how you take care of the dog’s basic needs is a big turn-off for me. It screams that you don’t know shit about taking care of a pet, but has the audacity to criticize those who do (me). He went on and on about how I was “taking care of my (now euthanized) dog wrong”, and I honestly felt like leaving him there at that moment.

Red flag #2: (playfully) punching me.

I don’t know why this was an issue with me, but it was. I usually don’t care about things like this. My friends do this to me, its ok. But when he did it, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t like it.

I just wanted to go back to my dorm.

Red flag #3: Not being able to do math or say “thank you”

We went to a cat cafe, and I paid 1000 yen while he paid 410 yen. He never said anything–more like not noticing anything– and he made us leave early because he was “so bored and was about to fall asleep in that cafe”. We each paid for our own food, so the least he could do was to say “thanks” when I paid for his ticket.

I liked the cafe, and I wished that I had never scheduled this Tinder date then.

Red flag #4: Horrendously bad teeth

More of a personal preference for me. I grew up with braces, so I have alright looking teeth. This might be why when I see a guy with really bad teeth, it’s an instant turn-off for me.

Red flag #5: He tindered, swiped left and right, while we were eating.

We talked about our Tinder experiences and BAM. He started tindering right in front of me. Not okay. Have some decency.

Red flag #6: When asked if I looked like my pictures, he told me that “from certain angles, yeah”. 

A certain level of honesty is always appreciated, but those words were extremely hurtful. When I joked about whether or not I should just go to the male bathroom because it has no line compared to the female’s, he told me that I wasn’t too ugly to pass off as a guy. Which led me to think of a lot of questions.

Maybe some women like it when a guy tells you these kinds of comments, but I wasn’t really into this.

Red flag #5: After the date, he asked me if I had a crush on him. 

I wanted to block him right then. I wanted to say “sorry, but no.” Some of his comments on iMessage were downright weird but I had already added him on Facebook so I thought he would write horrible messages to my friends.

 

Conclusion:

Basically, I was too chicken. I just told him that I’m not looking for anything right now and that it was nice meeting him.

After the date, I questioned every choice I made in my life since coming to Japan and decided that having Tinder was probably one of the biggest mistakes I made. I deleted it, and have since not contacted him. I didn’t think I was shallow enough to have an explicit type on what I like, but now I think having a certain preference helps out to narrow down your choices and to avoid awkward scenarios for both sides. I should have established certain boundaries on what I want through Tinder, and I still feel bad sometimes about this whole situation. I guess this is just one of those bad times when I put myself out there, but its fine. One rotten apple won’t spoil the whole batch for me, and I’ll keep on trekking on. Maybe just not on Tinder.

Tinder Date #3: The Exchange Student

Stats:

  • Here to learn Japanese
  • Gap year
  • Most of his friends are over 25, and he doesn’t get to talk to people who speak “proper English” apparently.
  • Really into Kanye West.
  • From California.
  • Really quiet guy.
  • Same age as me.

Our date was on Friday night, and wow what a ride. I was 30 minutes late due to the unexpected snow and when I went to the area, he wasn’t there.

I panicked. Bad.

I thought it finally happened. A guy ghosted on me because a. I was late and b. he saw me from some secret hiding spot and wished he never agreed to meet up with me.

After another 20 minutes of waiting and frantically walking around Shinjuku feeling like shit, I got a Line message from him. Apparently, his phone battery died, so he had to walk all the way back to his school to charge it. Ok, plausible, fine. The date was on.

We set up a new meeting spot at this chicken grill place, name was in kanji so I can’t remember, and I saw him.

He was a lot skinnier than I thought he would be, but honestly, I didn’t really care. At least he didn’t obviously lie about his age. The first 10 minutes of walking to the restaurant was awkward. I did most of the talking, but I was so happy to talk to a guy who could speak English and wasn’t obnoxious enough to say “wanna netflix and chill later”. So the date proceeded.

We ate, ordered some alcohol, paid the check (he paid like 500 yen more than me, which was nice), walked around and saw his school, Shinjuku ni-choume (the LGBTQ+ nightlife district), and tried to go into a bar but chickened out because it was too crowded.

The ending was nice though. We sat on a bench, overlooking the train station, for 40 minutes while we talked about random topics about life in Japan, and then we had to go back to our dorms because we didn’t want to miss our last train.

Overall, I liked it. Probably my second favorite Tinder date so far, and I still message him on Line to check up on what he’s doing these days.

Tinder Date #2: “English is my Second Language” guy

Stats:

  • The typical club promoter.
  • English is not his first language
  • Apparently, he is part Japanese.
  • Got excited when I told him that I never had a boyfriend.
  • Two years older than me.
  • A college student in Tokyo

Overall, I thought it went ok.

We met up at his university and he showed me around the campus, struggled over language barriers because he seemed to not be responsive over half of what I said, traveled to the next station because there was nothing to do, and ate soba and ice cream.

It was definitely a date that felt like a date.

Did we have a spark? I have no idea. I thought he was a fashionable guy, probably took more time on his hair than I did, I found it annoying that he hummed the same song over and over again when the conversation lulled, but I think the language barrier was the biggest issue.

I added him on Instagram, Facebook, just to make sure he was a real person before meeting up, and LINE to communicate because that green app is the main mode of communication in Japan. I still don’t get it. Why not use messenger?

Will I meet him again? Who knows. I might, because he was cute, but I don’t think I’ll be doing anything more than a quick peck on the cheek because I want someone that I can a proper conversation with. I never knew I was so picky before I got into Tinder.

 

Update: He has now “ghosted” me. I try not to care.

Tinder date #1: Meeting the Tourist

Let me start off with some information about me:

  • I’m your average Japanese girl.
  • Short and kinda chubby.

Who am I kidding, I’m only average in my height. Everything else is either below or above average. And I love it.

So here is my first Tinder date in Tokyo.

He was a tourist from the U.S., staying at a dorm in his friend’s room. Against dorm rules, wow what a rebel.

He was three years older than me, really into I.T., liked snowboarding, and a cat person. I’m more of a dog person, so that should have been a red flag for me.

We bonded over our love for Rick and Morty, and after five days of messaging, he told me that tomorrow was his last day in Japan. After a flurry of “why now?! Stay in Japan longer!” and “I wish I could, but my college duty calls”, I found out that he was living in a nearby college dorm.

Shit like this happens in real life, I guess.

So we set up a meeting at 7:00 AM, because I had class from 8:50 AM, and met in front of his dorm. He seemed to not be aware that he talks to himself because after I said hi, he circled around me and muttered “cute”. Which was honestly, adorable.

I really liked him. Period. I tend to overdramatize things, but I felt like he was the coolest guy I’ve ever met. He did the cliche “which would you rather fight: one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses?”, but I liked how casual he was in our early morning date. It was nice.

I had a Japanese test right after, so I hugged him and then left. We didn’t really do anything except for grabbing some lunch at the nearby convenience store and walking around his college dorm.

While I sat in the dry classroom, scribbling illegible kanji and hiragana, I wished I had pecked him on the cheek to show him my interest. But I didn’t.

And that’s how this honestly ends. We added each other on Facebook, so I usually initiate a conversation once every blue moon to check in but the conversation lulls when we start going into the romantic stuff. He ends up just looking at the message, and never replies. I always tell myself that this makes sense, because we live in different continents and that we only met once.

But even after going on three more Tinder dates after him, I realized that he was the best Tinder guy I’ve matched with.

Tindering Away in Tokyo Town

First of all, it sucks to use Tinder in Tokyo.

Period.

Especially when your native language is English and your Japanese level is constrained to “Hai” and “Arigato gozaimasu” at the convenience store.

There are six types of Tinder guys here:

 

Wanna fuck?

” [insert line profile name and some of his hobbies which always include EDM]”

  • The guys who use Tinder for what is was made for: hook-ups.
  • These guys usually aren’t that great in English, but the movies from ‘murica certainly taught them how to flirt.
  • I don’t know why, but these guys always seem to use photos of themselves with the weird snapchat filter or the photobooth “purikura” versions of themselves.
  • Honestly, I don’t get it. They look like aliens.
  • More often than not, these dudes are Japanese.
  • But coming back to the fucking, these boys will ask you out of nowhere.
  • After a few minutes of chatting in broken English about the recent weather and tv shows, BOOM. He suddenly turns into a sex-crazed monster with beautiful, eloquent descriptions of what he wants to do, where he wants to do it, and when he wants to meet you.
  • Usually, I just ignore the message and move on.
  • So much for nice guys, huh.

 

Teach me Engrish.

“I like to learn languages, and will visit New York City, USA, in September.”

  • They are my worst enemy.
  • My own profile is written in English, so it’s fair to assume that they would think I’m some kind of ESL teacher. But the thing is, I’m not.
  • And I’m usually struggling to buy food because of how horrible my management skills are, so I am only interested in teaching them English if they are willing to pay me.
  • Seriously.
  • They also tend to be Japanese, big surprise there.

 

The Tourist

“Hey! Traveling around Asia for a month, hmu for some soju and sake!”

  • These guys tend to break my pigeon-sized heart in a few messages.
  • They always seem so cultured, so interested in traveling around Tokyo with you when you bring up those maid cafes you want to go to in Akihabara, and yet they remind you.
  • “I really wish I matched with you earlier, but I’m on my way to Narita airport right now.”
  • And you just wish you could stop having those mini-romance visions of those boys’ profiles.
  • I always end up messaging them until they board their plane, lamenting about how late we are in meeting with each other, that we both seem like wonderful people, and to “please oh god please message me when you come back.”
  • Maybe it’s because I’m in Japan, but I like to dramatize this scene in my head by imagining myself as Madama Butterfly in her flowing kimono while he sails off into the distant seas.

 

The Memer

“I enjoy [ambiguous screamo bands] and long walks down the cereal aisle”

  • The honest to god, nice guys on Tinder.
  • What they want is a solid connection through memes.
  • Seems innocent enough, right?
  • I don’t want to be the boring betty here, but after a while these chats get old.
  • “HEY GUURL HAVE YOU SEEN THE RECENT YOUTUBE VID ABOUT WHATEVER”
  • And you have to break it to them that you’ve been busy going grocery shopping   –and that you kinda enjoyed 9GAG a few years ago, but you would rather talk about something else than just memes.
  • DO NOT ADD THESE PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK.
  • They just tag you in meme photos, clog up your notifications, and when you don’t answer back within 10 minutes, accuse you of giving them the “silent treatment”.
  • I have had the noble experience of being unfriended by these guys before, right after three days of friending him.

 

The U.S. Army Guy

“Hope I can make some Japanese friends”

  • These guys are either just never responsive or are too responsive that you feel like they are on Tinder 24/7.
  • Usually, they’re pretty cool.
  • The guys who are really responsive tend to be a avid gamer (twitch accounts, overwatch ftw) or are being relocated in a few hours(had this experience once, he sent me his Facebook account link after a minute of messaging. Never added him.)
  • Give that dude a chance, and more often than not he’ll be that one cute guy you are messaging at night. *wink*

 

The Exchange Student

“Name: [Some non-Japanese name]

From: [Some other country usually it’s a European country idk why]

Just a young man on his journey through life, follow me on my path to success or stay out”

  • Its a hit or miss on this one.
  • He can be a real fuck boy or just a needy guy.
  • When it’s a fuck boy, he seems really cool. He tells you how crazy it was at WOMB(the club) yesterday, and that he’s really sorry about his drunk texting.
  • Your heart flutters for a second because you’ve already checked his Facebook(just to be sure) and he seems like he has friends and hobbies.
  • But then he ends up only messaging you for those booty calls, so you just ignore him.
  • When it’s a needy guy, he seems sweet at the start. He treats you like that fragile glass sculpture, and he doesn’t give a f*ck about coming off as too needy so he messages you first.
  • Constantly.
  • Every day.
  • To the point where you feel like you are oversaturated with his “hey”s and just want to turn off all notifications on your phone.
  • But you message him back because you want to seem nice, not to be on that reddit page of “fake ass b*tches and hoes on Tinder”.
  • I have to admit, I’m a chicken in ignoring messages from these guys. Usually I just tell them that I’m going to be busy for a while, and then stop replying back.
  • Even if you add them on facebook and LINE, they’re too nice to write anything mean in public so just beware of your private messages.
  • They can accuse you of “leading them on” for netflix and chill, and that you probably “deserve to be a fuck toy for those old Japanese men”.
  • I don’t really have a good experience with most exchange students.

 

Well, there you have it! The six (overgeneralized) types of Tinder guys you’ll meet on Tinder! Happy swiping, and be safe! Ganbatte~