Fuckboys: a Global Phenomenon that have Even Invaded ICU, Japan

Oh, haven’t we all seen and dealt with at least one fuckboy in our lives. Be it as a friend or a romantic interest, one has to admit that they are really not the best person to spend time with.

I mean, to start off:

  • You will never be their priority.

Unless you are popular, hot, or insanely rich, chances are you are a person they don’t deem worthy of “hanging out”. Most of these guys in Japan tend to have some kind of “gaijin” or foreign atmosphere about them; be it their passport or their mindset.

  • LINE is their main method of communication.

They will casual ask for your contact info, and most often end up adding 3/4 of the girls in the class on the first day of school. Because they just simply want something short and sweet. They want to “stay chill”, whatever that means.

  • International Christian University(ICU) is full of them.

I kid you not. Beware!!!!!

September, April students alike, it doesn’t matter. Because of the skewed gender ratio in ICU, most of the guys end up beginning to lose the value of companionship and long-term relationship because of the oversaturated pool of partners.

When I first came here, I asked many of my dorm senpais(girls) about dating in ICU as a joke.

Me: “So. The guys here, huh.”

Senpai: “Yeah. The guys here. What’s up?”

M: “Some of them are pretty cute. Do a lot of the girls in our dorm end up dating them?”

S: “Well, yeah. Of course. It doesn’t last long though.”

M: “What do you mean?”

S:”I mean, come on. A lot of them end up just cheating on them or find a better girl than their current girlfriend. I’m not trying to say that all guys here are assholes–”

M: “I’m sure they’re not

S: “–but a lot of them end up acting like one. And its really out of control here. Some of them start off by wanting to be popular in college so they act like they’re hot shit. And that’s alright. At least they have a goal.”

M: “Huh.”

S: “The worst ones are the guys who never really had a goal to be a fuckboy in mind. But they’ve surrounded themselves with fuckboys and just end up not being aware of how many girls they’re hurting.”

M: “A true natural.”

S: “One girl from our dorm, you know her, yeah. She ended up being cheated on by one of them. He was popular, hot, and pretty smart: the full package. Ended up being dumped after he told her that she was just a ‘friend’. Like what kind of friend sleeps with each other?”

M: “That sounds tough. Did that really happen?”

S: “Yeah. And he did it to his next girlfriend too. At any other college, this would mean social suicide for this guy. But because he’s such a charismatic guy at a small dating pool, he can find one girl to spend the night with easily. One right after another.”

M: “A serious cheater.”

S: “Who would’ve guessed, right? At a Christian university, no less.”

M: “Arigato, senpai. I’ll try looking elsewhere and will make sure to keep my eyes open.”

S: “No problem. Make sure you tell me about the guys in your class next time.”

This sounds horrible, I know. But if you are going to ICU soon and are hoping to find a cute partner, beware the guys. There is a higher tendency to act like a fuckboy for ICU guys, so keep your eyes open and don’t let that crush filter ruin your week.

When You aren’t Your Number One Fan

  • You feel like shit.
  • You scrutinize every single square centimeter of your body in the dressing room, wishing you could change entirely to another person.
  • Your failed romances are always riddled by the thought of: “if I was hotter” or “if I was ….”
  • You compare yourself constantly to others of the same gender and always end up thinking that you will never be able to achieve their level of perfection.

 

While I was growing up, I would have mini-mental breakdowns in the dressing room and wished I could be someone else.

The first time I felt “fat” was when I was in preschool. I was already so self-conscious.

Thinking about it now, this scares me. I am scared about the future of young girls and wouldn’t wish these thoughts on anyone. Should I have a daughter, I hope to make it a priority to tell her that she is beautiful. And that anyone who says otherwise should be ignored.

But in a culture where self-improvement is always encouraged, when does it start getting toxic?

For me, it started off toxic and I found myself wanting to be my “best self I can ever be” once I developed self-love. Having Japanese parents, I was constantly bombarded with: “why is she so tan?” and beauty care routines that were unasked for from relatives.

These comments got worse as I grew older. Once I hit first grade, I started to get a little chubby.  My cheeks were round, my tummy was protruded, my arms were flabby: I had very little places to see beauty on the outside. Every time I compared myself to my friends, I would feel love towards their kind hearts with a tinge of jealousy mixed in. As I went into middle school, I started to connect all of my problems to my appearance.

Every time I went clothing shopping with my mom, I felt a sense of dread as she picked out clothes from the older age ranges. It wasn’t that I was super tall. I was just growing more horizontally than I should be according to the age ranges at GAP and ZARA. My dad told me to start running, but I felt so self-conscious in my workout gear that I always refused to follow his advice.

My aunts often compared themselves in front of me, lamenting about their waist sizes and double-eyelids. I grew up learning that developing a critical analysis of yourself was the universal conversation starter for all females.

As I went into middle school, I started to connect all of my problems to my appearance.

My presentation grade would have been better if I had skinnier thighs like Sara. She wouldn’t have been so self-conscious. 

I would scoff at my thoughts now, but its toxicity still rings true to so many of the female population. It was only after I started to get into Instagram, that I realized most girls feel self-conscious. No one (including guys) is perfectly confident. The difference between those girls and me was that I had let myself get so caught up in appearance and acceptance by the opposite gender. 

First of all, I have to admit that I still have moments like this. When I just want to cry in the dressing room at a clothing store because I just hate my body. But after awhile, I always pick up my pieces of self-worth and tie them back together with the ropes of phrases like “I look amazing now, and I will keep on getting more beautiful” and “Not all shapes and colors will fit everyone, you just have to keep on finding the perfect fit for you”.

Not all shapes and colors will fit everyone, you just have to keep on finding the perfect fit for you”.

Not only does the above phrase describe how shopping works in general, but it also goes for dating. Most of the time, I fall in love too fast and think too far ahead about the potential relationship. I give too much and often find myself in shambles after the guy loses interest.

This may sound sappy and corny but in this world of commodified beauty that is mass-produced every second, it is essential for females to understand that: you will always find the guy who is perfect for you, just like you will be perfect for that one lucky guy. Forget who and what is your “type”, and focus more on the inside of yourself. Nothing is perfect and that you will always be the person most interested in you. Even your prince charming will be more caught up on his life and his looks than how you look in a bikini or your deteriorating mental health.

You were born with a fan who was willing to stick it through with you for life, and you might as well use it to cheer you on.

Just a few minutes ago, I figured out that my crush’s type was none of what I could achieve. White skin, willowy arms and legs, an ennui atmosphere: I can’t see myself in any of that description. He constantly likes and compliments girls who are the typical Asian beauties, but I have never been able to squeeze myself into that narrow ideal. I have beaten myself up mentally and physically far too long to even start crying now, so I have decided to take up the path of self-love instead.

I want to be perfect for me, and no guy’s comment about my thunder thighs or unladylike walk will deter me from my path of a healthy lifestyle that includes the occasional Mcdonalds and bikini pics in which I don’t have washboard abs(never even had them!). If he isn’t interested in me, then all I can do is to move on and to keep on improving myself. You may as well use that rejection as a motivation for a healthier lifestyle in a mental and physical sense, and perhaps the greatest revenge towards someone who just wasn’t right for you would be to not give a f*ck about it.

#5 The Date with the U.S. Navy guy

It never happened.

I was busy that day (leaving Japan in a few days), and I even told him in advance that I may cancel. He didn’t reply after my cancel text on LINE, and well that’s that.

He was so cute though.

In all honesty, he was really casual and seemed to be alright. He liked working out, watching the same FilthyFrank videos as me, and didn’t mind it when I couldn’t message right away.

Right away, he told me that he doesn’t like “playing games” and that he reads philosophy books in his free time. I dig that confidence.

There were some parts that made me rethink about him:

  • He sends way too many selfies. 

I don’t mind how nice he looks. It’s just that I don’t know how to respond to it. “Wow, you look nice.” “cool background, yo.”

And then he asks me to send a selfie and I have to answer back that I’ll send one after I take a shower later in the day.

  • He laughed when I told him that English was my first language.

“Really?”, he told me, amazed that an Asian girl who has never lived in the U.S. can speak fluent English. “Are you sure it’s your first language? I mean, you’re Japanese! That doesn’t make any sense!”. Yeah, damn right is makes sense. Look at how I just did the impossible.

But other than that, he was nice. Looking back at it, the second part was pretty bad but I was desperate at that point. Tinder in Tokyo wasn’t going well for me, and I was in an emotionally bad place because of the move. I was emotionally vulnerable and felt empty.

He filled that hole in my head for a few days before he started to pressure me into a date, and I had to turn him down.

Since coming back to Singapore, I have deleted him on LINE and don’t regret it. I don’t want to waste his time, and I know that what he’s looking for (a hook-up and maybe even a potential partner) isn’t my thing. I wish Jordan the best of luck in the navy, and will now be on my way.

Tindering in Singapore

Ah, Majulah Singapapura.

You have truly allowed me to have experiences that have ultimately enabled me to delete Tinder.

T is for trashy guys.

I is for idiots who don’t know grammar.

N is for not all the guys here are jerks.

D is for the dicks who try to be one but are ultimately really sweet.

E is for the enigmatic and eccentric ang mohs who try to match with me to “show them” around.

R is for the rebels who are “too white to handle” despite their obvious Asian features (this is coming from an Asian too, don’t call me out on racism). A basic f*ckboy in the making.

Comparing to tindering in Japan, tindering in the little red dot isn’t all that bad.

Most of the guys here in my age preference are in NS, waiting for NS, or are already done with NS: but still in the NS age range.

Maybe it’s because of that, but many of them were quite active in messaging me and had no problem chatting with me without mentioning “netflix and chill”. It was a nice change of atmosphere, unlike Tokyo where the guys only look for the nearest underaged hookup in a love hotel (note to guys: no girl likes it when you treat them like a disposable tissue for your masturbation session. NO ONE LIKES IT.)

So first, is the obligatory stereotypes. I have divided them into five types.

1.The Ang Moh f*ckboy who is wearing an Asian facade.

TL;DR this dude is Asian. He is a wannabe- Asian gangsta, and will demand you to treat him like one. Most often than not, he is quite buff but is also lacking in some social norms that tells people to treat others the way you want to be treated.

Just don’t get all caught up in his weird conversations about “netflix and chill”. You are worth more than that. He is usually tied into the clubbing scene, working as a boucer or  a DJ.

2. Poly guy who blossomed into a beautiful f*ckboy but still has his nice side.

He’s trying. This guy is trying so hard to be hard to get, but his niceness gets the better of him and ends up being desperate. He blossomed into popularity in poly, and that’s why he’s trying to get laid on Tinder. This guy will start to follow your instagram (without asking so yay free follower), message you “hello” three times in a row, and even end up accusing you of being “too shy”.

Note to guys: No, us girls are not “shy” in messaging back– we’re just not interested in your advances. Thanks but no thanks.

If you like this guy, it might be a hit or miss. While there is a certain chance that he’ll be your amazing boyfriend who is so smart and is good at dancing, he could turn out to ghost you after some dates. Just give it a whirl.

3. NS guy who is just bored.

He looks amazing. He already finished NS, and is always so busy because of jogging and gymming but you don’t care because you’re talking to a hottie. This guy is the man of my dreams.

He’s casual, chatty, and most of all, really chill. About everything.

This guy doesn’t care if you can’t meet him next week, he just tells you to message him back when you’re free, and you’re on your own way. Why is he so self-assured and attractive to us girls?

If you find this guy, just message him. You won’t regret it. A lot of them end up to be really witty when you meet them in person.

4. The (definitely) underaged international school kid.

Don’t even try it. He’ll just end up messaging you with a typical “hey” and try to get some nudes so he can show it to his friends. It’s a game to them, and they aren’t in it for the long run. A friends with benefits? Maybe.

Usually he just wants to prove to his friends that he’s “got game”.

5.  The Expat who is waaaay older than you but will still try to bang.

Good try, buddy. I just can’t see this whole chat even happening. You like petite girls under the age of 19? Sorry, I’m pretty big and my personality is probably going to overwhelm you. Most of the girls in Singapore can speak Engrish verrrry fluent thank you very much. And no, I don’t appreciate you trying to speak Singlish. Just stop it.

If you want mute girls who will agree with you about how “cultured” you are, try going to the countryside in Japan or get a gaijin-hunter in Tokyo.

Compared to Tokyo, Tinder here is pretty nice. Probably not mainstream compared to OKcupid, but hey it’s cool. Many of them understand US culture and enjoy sarcasm.

A lot of them ask for Whatsapp or Telegram, both of which I didn’t have.

But why? Why did I end up deleting my account in such a nice place?

I decided to start Tinder up in SG again because I was bored. Period. I had deleted the app in Japan, but hadn’t deleted my actual account. I was just “invisible” to those around me.

Why did I take the final step of getting Tinder out of my life?

In a land where the guys are nicer, better looking (at least in my opinion), more cultured (compared to the Japanese guys), and more open to serious dating?

It wasn’t about Singapore, it was more about Tinder itself.

I realized that I wasn’t getting anywhere in my chats, and was constantly having the same conversation starting with my long-a** explanation about my idea of a “home country”. With the time I had spent on Tinder for the last three months, I could have started a new hobby or be in the gym to meet new guys in real life.

Yes, I understand this is the digital age but I’m still conservative in the sense that I don’t want to end up telling my friends that I met my dream guy “online”. I started Tinder as a game in December last year, got really into it in January, went on “casual” dates in Feburary, and deleted it in March. What most people found out in the first two weeks, took me about three months to even have a basic grasp on.

I started Tinder as a game in December last year, got really into it in January, went on “casual” dates in Feburary, and deleted it in March. What most people found out in the first two weeks, took me about three months to even have a basic grasp on.

Even though Tinder was obviously a horrible place for me to look for love, it gave me a lot of self-esteem. I was invisible in High school, and I thought that no guy would ever find me attractive. Not even for sex. Guess what? Tinder solved that for me real quick. I tended to swipe right on most guys (around 90%) and still got matches with guys who I wouldn’t even joke about dating them because they’re so out of my league.  Which was a nice surprise.

But I wanted a guy who I could always talk to, and who was interested in me as a long-term investment. Who was willing to wait for me. It’s hard to find guys like that in real life, and even harder online where you can’t see who you’re talking to.

On the short-term, Tinder was fun. It was exciting. But after a while, it gets old. The whole algorithm is repetitive, and you realize that you’re better off improving yourself before trying to get your self worth from strangers who have never even met the real you.

As Tina Belcher from “Bob’s Burgers” says,

“I am a strong, sensual woman”

For women, I will say that you should give online dating a try. Just don’t make it your life.

For guys, the same goes to you too.

It’s nice to meet a person who has a life that doesn’t revolve around you.

So now, I won’t be tindering anymore but I’ll be tinkering away on my life.

The Transition from Tinder to Coffee Meets Bagel

ALERT:

nothing ever happened!11!!

After several Tinder dates, I decided that enough was enough and downloaded another dating app that I’ve heard lots of great things about Coffee Meets Bagel.

I ended up trying to be “friends” with a guy 10 years older than me, and we talked for a week before he stoppped responding. Apparently, he already met someone through this app and so he wasn’t interested in talking to me.

I appreciate his honesty but what I don’t understand is

why is he on Coffee Meets Bagel if he is already in a relationship?

 

Honestly, it boggles my mind.

Faithful my ass but at least he stopped talking to me after a while. I was feeling guilty the entire time.