Tinder date #4: The Obnoxious Memer

Stats:

  • Has lived in Japan for a long time.
  • Working as a technician
  • one year older than me
  • Likes memes a lot
  • from the U.S.
  • Apparently, he has no friends, or that’s what he tells me.
  • Has a dog.
  • Gave me his address, phone number, line account, snapchat account, and a lot of unwanted details about his family.

 

I never knew his face until we added each other on Snapchat. And wow. I didn’t know what to expect, but his face was not one of them. He seemed ok enough.

This is probably my Tinder story that made me delete the app. 

He was adamant about scheduling a meetup, and even after messaging each other via iMessage, he kept on talking about how he likes “cuddling, snuggling, and sending memes”. Most of his messages were multiple screenshots of memes, and it was funny at the start but soon after, I got bored. I liked memes as an ice breaker, but not to the point that I wanted every single conversation to be about memes. Not to mention, he got personal way too fast and sent multiple messages after I didn’t reply for five minutes.

He would tell me that he gets attached too fast and that he was a virgin. I didn’t want to know any of these things and was extremely uncomfortable.

But I kept on messaging back because he seemed sweet. I didn’t know about his face, but personality-wise I thought we could be friends.

So the day came, and we walked around Yoyogi park, had ramen, went to a cat cafe, and parted ways.

It was a date, but probably the kind of date I never want to experience again. 

 

Red flag #1: He talked about how annoying his dog is. 

His family has two dogs, one here and the other back in the states, and I am a strong dog person. Talking about how annoying your dog is while not saying anything about how you take care of the dog’s basic needs is a big turn-off for me. It screams that you don’t know shit about taking care of a pet, but has the audacity to criticize those who do (me). He went on and on about how I was “taking care of my (now euthanized) dog wrong”, and I honestly felt like leaving him there at that moment.

Red flag #2: (playfully) punching me.

I don’t know why this was an issue with me, but it was. I usually don’t care about things like this. My friends do this to me, its ok. But when he did it, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t like it.

I just wanted to go back to my dorm.

Red flag #3: Not being able to do math or say “thank you”

We went to a cat cafe, and I paid 1000 yen while he paid 410 yen. He never said anything–more like not noticing anything– and he made us leave early because he was “so bored and was about to fall asleep in that cafe”. We each paid for our own food, so the least he could do was to say “thanks” when I paid for his ticket.

I liked the cafe, and I wished that I had never scheduled this Tinder date then.

Red flag #4: Horrendously bad teeth

More of a personal preference for me. I grew up with braces, so I have alright looking teeth. This might be why when I see a guy with really bad teeth, it’s an instant turn-off for me.

Red flag #5: He tindered, swiped left and right, while we were eating.

We talked about our Tinder experiences and BAM. He started tindering right in front of me. Not okay. Have some decency.

Red flag #6: When asked if I looked like my pictures, he told me that “from certain angles, yeah”. 

A certain level of honesty is always appreciated, but those words were extremely hurtful. When I joked about whether or not I should just go to the male bathroom because it has no line compared to the female’s, he told me that I wasn’t too ugly to pass off as a guy. Which led me to think of a lot of questions.

Maybe some women like it when a guy tells you these kinds of comments, but I wasn’t really into this.

Red flag #5: After the date, he asked me if I had a crush on him. 

I wanted to block him right then. I wanted to say “sorry, but no.” Some of his comments on iMessage were downright weird but I had already added him on Facebook so I thought he would write horrible messages to my friends.

 

Conclusion:

Basically, I was too chicken. I just told him that I’m not looking for anything right now and that it was nice meeting him.

After the date, I questioned every choice I made in my life since coming to Japan and decided that having Tinder was probably one of the biggest mistakes I made. I deleted it, and have since not contacted him. I didn’t think I was shallow enough to have an explicit type on what I like, but now I think having a certain preference helps out to narrow down your choices and to avoid awkward scenarios for both sides. I should have established certain boundaries on what I want through Tinder, and I still feel bad sometimes about this whole situation. I guess this is just one of those bad times when I put myself out there, but its fine. One rotten apple won’t spoil the whole batch for me, and I’ll keep on trekking on. Maybe just not on Tinder.

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Tinder Date #3: The Exchange Student

Stats:

  • Here to learn Japanese
  • Gap year
  • Most of his friends are over 25, and he doesn’t get to talk to people who speak “proper English” apparently.
  • Really into Kanye West.
  • From California.
  • Really quiet guy.
  • Same age as me.

Our date was on Friday night, and wow what a ride. I was 30 minutes late due to the unexpected snow and when I went to the area, he wasn’t there.

I panicked. Bad.

I thought it finally happened. A guy ghosted on me because a. I was late and b. he saw me from some secret hiding spot and wished he never agreed to meet up with me.

After another 20 minutes of waiting and frantically walking around Shinjuku feeling like shit, I got a Line message from him. Apparently, his phone battery died, so he had to walk all the way back to his school to charge it. Ok, plausible, fine. The date was on.

We set up a new meeting spot at this chicken grill place, name was in kanji so I can’t remember, and I saw him.

He was a lot skinnier than I thought he would be, but honestly, I didn’t really care. At least he didn’t obviously lie about his age. The first 10 minutes of walking to the restaurant was awkward. I did most of the talking, but I was so happy to talk to a guy who could speak English and wasn’t obnoxious enough to say “wanna netflix and chill later”. So the date proceeded.

We ate, ordered some alcohol, paid the check (he paid like 500 yen more than me, which was nice), walked around and saw his school, Shinjuku ni-choume (the LGBTQ+ nightlife district), and tried to go into a bar but chickened out because it was too crowded.

The ending was nice though. We sat on a bench, overlooking the train station, for 40 minutes while we talked about random topics about life in Japan, and then we had to go back to our dorms because we didn’t want to miss our last train.

Overall, I liked it. Probably my second favorite Tinder date so far, and I still message him on Line to check up on what he’s doing these days.

Tinder Date #2: “English is my Second Language” guy

Stats:

  • The typical club promoter.
  • English is not his first language
  • Apparently, he is part Japanese.
  • Got excited when I told him that I never had a boyfriend.
  • Two years older than me.
  • A college student in Tokyo

Overall, I thought it went ok.

We met up at his university and he showed me around the campus, struggled over language barriers because he seemed to not be responsive over half of what I said, traveled to the next station because there was nothing to do, and ate soba and ice cream.

It was definitely a date that felt like a date.

Did we have a spark? I have no idea. I thought he was a fashionable guy, probably took more time on his hair than I did, I found it annoying that he hummed the same song over and over again when the conversation lulled, but I think the language barrier was the biggest issue.

I added him on Instagram, Facebook, just to make sure he was a real person before meeting up, and LINE to communicate because that green app is the main mode of communication in Japan. I still don’t get it. Why not use messenger?

Will I meet him again? Who knows. I might, because he was cute, but I don’t think I’ll be doing anything more than a quick peck on the cheek because I want someone that I can a proper conversation with. I never knew I was so picky before I got into Tinder.

 

Update: He has now “ghosted” me. I try not to care.

Being the “Bad Japanese”

Not being able to speak flowing Japanese when you look Asian, is a big no-no in Japan. Especially when your name is uber-Japanese. There is no “gaijin (foreigner) card” to be used here.

At train stations, I get stared at by the train conductor when I ask where the nearest train to Shinjuku is, because of my broken Japanese.

At the convenience stores, I have at least two old Japanese guys who stare at me while I struggle with the printer and scanner. Which is right next to the erotic pornography magazine section.

I’ve never really had the hated gaijin speech until last week, when I was out with my friends and an old Japanese lady yelled at us to “go back to [your home] country!” I honestly didn’t feel that bad, because my own country is supposed to be Japan, but I realized how much different I was in how I acted against other Japanese girls. And I realized how much attention this brought to myself in Japan, a land of harmonious unity where no one is allowed to blow their nose in the train (I’ve done this once, and got a lot of unwanted stares).

But it’s true. I am, essentially, the failed prototype of a Japanese.

I can’t speak my own country’s language,

my skin color is more tan than any Japanese guy at the beach,

I go make-up free while the rest of my classmates wear blushes so pink that you think they’re blushing at every guy,

 

my stocky frame against my average height makes me more of a clump than a fragile butterfly,

I wear casual fashion choices instead of pastel dresses and frilly blouses,

my skin is shown so much to the point that you can see my muffin top in the summer (in a land where women wear skin colored tights even when wearing shorts),

my hair is floppy and free despite many other women struggling over intricate hair tutorials and wearing metallic bobby pins to keep it in place,

and I am not too loud to say I am free-spirited like a foreigner but am direct enough to tell a person that I don’t understand a word of what they said.

Most importantly, I am cynical. To the point that I may not have a resting bitch face, but I don’t giggle every time I’m talking to a guy.

And I guess this makes me unacceptable for the Japan dating pool I guess because so far I have never been hit on or even scheduled a Tinder date with a Japanese guy, and one time a guy told his girlfriend that “my clothes were too tight to wear on a body like mine” at Shibuya. What’s frustrating is that comments like these basically crash down every single confidence I had, because on that day I thought I looked nice. Sexy. Strong.

I had my makeup done by my friend, wore a tight dress that hugged my curves (belly rolls included), and sprayed on my favorite perfume. I was club-ready.

I’m not going to end this with a feel-good message to love yourself because it is a lifelong process. Keep on trekking, I guess. Shit like this happens.

Tinder date #1: Meeting the Tourist

Let me start off with some information about me:

  • I’m your average Japanese girl.
  • Short and kinda chubby.

Who am I kidding, I’m only average in my height. Everything else is either below or above average. And I love it.

So here is my first Tinder date in Tokyo.

He was a tourist from the U.S., staying at a dorm in his friend’s room. Against dorm rules, wow what a rebel.

He was three years older than me, really into I.T., liked snowboarding, and a cat person. I’m more of a dog person, so that should have been a red flag for me.

We bonded over our love for Rick and Morty, and after five days of messaging, he told me that tomorrow was his last day in Japan. After a flurry of “why now?! Stay in Japan longer!” and “I wish I could, but my college duty calls”, I found out that he was living in a nearby college dorm.

Shit like this happens in real life, I guess.

So we set up a meeting at 7:00 AM, because I had class from 8:50 AM, and met in front of his dorm. He seemed to not be aware that he talks to himself because after I said hi, he circled around me and muttered “cute”. Which was honestly, adorable.

I really liked him. Period. I tend to overdramatize things, but I felt like he was the coolest guy I’ve ever met. He did the cliche “which would you rather fight: one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses?”, but I liked how casual he was in our early morning date. It was nice.

I had a Japanese test right after, so I hugged him and then left. We didn’t really do anything except for grabbing some lunch at the nearby convenience store and walking around his college dorm.

While I sat in the dry classroom, scribbling illegible kanji and hiragana, I wished I had pecked him on the cheek to show him my interest. But I didn’t.

And that’s how this honestly ends. We added each other on Facebook, so I usually initiate a conversation once every blue moon to check in but the conversation lulls when we start going into the romantic stuff. He ends up just looking at the message, and never replies. I always tell myself that this makes sense, because we live in different continents and that we only met once.

But even after going on three more Tinder dates after him, I realized that he was the best Tinder guy I’ve matched with.

Tindering Away in Tokyo Town

First of all, it sucks to use Tinder in Tokyo.

Period.

Especially when your native language is English and your Japanese level is constrained to “Hai” and “Arigato gozaimasu” at the convenience store.

There are six types of Tinder guys here:

 

Wanna fuck?

” [insert line profile name and some of his hobbies which always include EDM]”

  • The guys who use Tinder for what is was made for: hook-ups.
  • These guys usually aren’t that great in English, but the movies from ‘murica certainly taught them how to flirt.
  • I don’t know why, but these guys always seem to use photos of themselves with the weird snapchat filter or the photobooth “purikura” versions of themselves.
  • Honestly, I don’t get it. They look like aliens.
  • More often than not, these dudes are Japanese.
  • But coming back to the fucking, these boys will ask you out of nowhere.
  • After a few minutes of chatting in broken English about the recent weather and tv shows, BOOM. He suddenly turns into a sex-crazed monster with beautiful, eloquent descriptions of what he wants to do, where he wants to do it, and when he wants to meet you.
  • Usually, I just ignore the message and move on.
  • So much for nice guys, huh.

 

Teach me Engrish.

“I like to learn languages, and will visit New York City, USA, in September.”

  • They are my worst enemy.
  • My own profile is written in English, so it’s fair to assume that they would think I’m some kind of ESL teacher. But the thing is, I’m not.
  • And I’m usually struggling to buy food because of how horrible my management skills are, so I am only interested in teaching them English if they are willing to pay me.
  • Seriously.
  • They also tend to be Japanese, big surprise there.

 

The Tourist

“Hey! Traveling around Asia for a month, hmu for some soju and sake!”

  • These guys tend to break my pigeon-sized heart in a few messages.
  • They always seem so cultured, so interested in traveling around Tokyo with you when you bring up those maid cafes you want to go to in Akihabara, and yet they remind you.
  • “I really wish I matched with you earlier, but I’m on my way to Narita airport right now.”
  • And you just wish you could stop having those mini-romance visions of those boys’ profiles.
  • I always end up messaging them until they board their plane, lamenting about how late we are in meeting with each other, that we both seem like wonderful people, and to “please oh god please message me when you come back.”
  • Maybe it’s because I’m in Japan, but I like to dramatize this scene in my head by imagining myself as Madama Butterfly in her flowing kimono while he sails off into the distant seas.

 

The Memer

“I enjoy [ambiguous screamo bands] and long walks down the cereal aisle”

  • The honest to god, nice guys on Tinder.
  • What they want is a solid connection through memes.
  • Seems innocent enough, right?
  • I don’t want to be the boring betty here, but after a while these chats get old.
  • “HEY GUURL HAVE YOU SEEN THE RECENT YOUTUBE VID ABOUT WHATEVER”
  • And you have to break it to them that you’ve been busy going grocery shopping   –and that you kinda enjoyed 9GAG a few years ago, but you would rather talk about something else than just memes.
  • DO NOT ADD THESE PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK.
  • They just tag you in meme photos, clog up your notifications, and when you don’t answer back within 10 minutes, accuse you of giving them the “silent treatment”.
  • I have had the noble experience of being unfriended by these guys before, right after three days of friending him.

 

The U.S. Army Guy

“Hope I can make some Japanese friends”

  • These guys are either just never responsive or are too responsive that you feel like they are on Tinder 24/7.
  • Usually, they’re pretty cool.
  • The guys who are really responsive tend to be a avid gamer (twitch accounts, overwatch ftw) or are being relocated in a few hours(had this experience once, he sent me his Facebook account link after a minute of messaging. Never added him.)
  • Give that dude a chance, and more often than not he’ll be that one cute guy you are messaging at night. *wink*

 

The Exchange Student

“Name: [Some non-Japanese name]

From: [Some other country usually it’s a European country idk why]

Just a young man on his journey through life, follow me on my path to success or stay out”

  • Its a hit or miss on this one.
  • He can be a real fuck boy or just a needy guy.
  • When it’s a fuck boy, he seems really cool. He tells you how crazy it was at WOMB(the club) yesterday, and that he’s really sorry about his drunk texting.
  • Your heart flutters for a second because you’ve already checked his Facebook(just to be sure) and he seems like he has friends and hobbies.
  • But then he ends up only messaging you for those booty calls, so you just ignore him.
  • When it’s a needy guy, he seems sweet at the start. He treats you like that fragile glass sculpture, and he doesn’t give a f*ck about coming off as too needy so he messages you first.
  • Constantly.
  • Every day.
  • To the point where you feel like you are oversaturated with his “hey”s and just want to turn off all notifications on your phone.
  • But you message him back because you want to seem nice, not to be on that reddit page of “fake ass b*tches and hoes on Tinder”.
  • I have to admit, I’m a chicken in ignoring messages from these guys. Usually I just tell them that I’m going to be busy for a while, and then stop replying back.
  • Even if you add them on facebook and LINE, they’re too nice to write anything mean in public so just beware of your private messages.
  • They can accuse you of “leading them on” for netflix and chill, and that you probably “deserve to be a fuck toy for those old Japanese men”.
  • I don’t really have a good experience with most exchange students.

 

Well, there you have it! The six (overgeneralized) types of Tinder guys you’ll meet on Tinder! Happy swiping, and be safe! Ganbatte~